![]() ![]() I was surprised to see the book was written in 2005. Don't say that.Ī lot of the conversation topics and ideas in this book seem incredibly robotic and unnatural to even say. I know he's from an older generation and probably means well, but it's 2018. A man that works in my building told me I needed to smile the other day, and I'm still harboring resentment toward him days later for that comment. I shoot back one word responses and don't ask open ended questions, because I usually don't want to speak with the person beyond that. If I am approached by someone in these situations, my default reaction is usually to be defensive instead of open. I don't strike up conversations with locals at bars or restaurants. I never seem to sit next to a chatty Kathy on an airplane. I recently returned from a vacation on which I had pledged that I'd try to be better at talking to random people, and I entirely failed on that goal. Like many people, I can't stand "small talk" or "icebreakers" and I generally avoid social situations in which these skills are necessary. Hence, I think I'd be more likely to recommend this to business people than to someone just interested in making friends, but even there it has some helpful points for the socially inept. The general focus of the book is on business networking and the section on dating consists mainly of anecdotes more likely to scare you off dating than increase your confidence in social small talk. (Such as pointing out that shyness can be misconstrued as rudeness if you seem to be avoiding conversation and that sometimes taking the aggressive position of initiating the conversation and asking the questions can be a shy person's best defense against being cornered.) However, the author manages to make a few good points and reminded me of a few things I hadn't perhaps taken seriously enough. The actual suggested talking points are more stilted and awkward than anything you could think up yourself and if you didn't already know which subjects to avoid (politics, religion) you've got bigger social problems than this book can fix. With the lowered expectations of that definition, this is a pretty good book since it contains about a pamphlet's worth of good ideas. I figured out awhile back that even the very best self-help books contain about a pamphlet's worth of good ideas padded out to book length with anecdotes, redundant bullet points, and the occasional not-very-funny cartoon. Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me. Yikes.Īs I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk. Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.Īnd finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you're conversing with lead. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.ĭon't be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Fine recommends using the acronym "FORM" to help you create these questions. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Next, once you're talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them. That's not a belief you'd want to encourage.Īctually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. Also, if you don't start a conversation, he or she may believe you're being stand-offish. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Look for the people sitting by themselves. Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.įor example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.Īnd she hopes to do the same for her readers. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. The things just don't make it out of my mouth.Įnter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. It's not that I don't have things to say - I can think of plenty of things to say. Hello, my name is Heidi and I am bad at small talk.
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